I didn't know what to expect.
But I don't know what I expected.
I don't know why I let myself expect anything.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Everything is just a maelstrom of very confusing emotions right now.
I don't know.
I think I expected it.
But on the other hand, my brain was hoping for a miracle.
But the fact is, miracles don't exist.
Why can I not get that fact pounded into my brain?
When will I learn to stop letting myself believe? Stop letting myself expect?
I thought it was a chance to prove that I could do something.
But I was wrong again.
And in the end, it's all tears and disappointment, bitterness and fury.
I didn't know how to react.
I didn't know how I should react.
It's difficult to explain, but-- I was expecting it, and yet hoping for a miracle. But... it's strange to expect something yet not know how to react when the thing actually happens.
I suppose I was hoping, praying that the thing would never happen. (Which is just weird because god doesn't exist. But then again every atheist believes in god, in some way)
I don't want to be emo and bitter.
But when I think about it...
Crying is for failures, and I'm a failure.
