abandoning blog :D it holds too many unhappy memories for me. memories i want to forget as soon as possible.

9:21 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

HBL (home Based Learning) was a disaster.

I think my brain has exploded.

Two hours worth of trying to get into Moodle, guessing enrolment keys, and trying to open the .flv files.

Huh.

And I've been so busy that I'm totally over it now.

I still feel sad occasionally. But I'm over it.

Someday came pretty soon, huh? XD

4:58 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

Ok I think I'm over it.

At least, 95% over it.

That counts for something, doesn't it?

I guess the numbness has set in after all. After the disappointment and bitterness.

I know some day I'm going to get over it 100%.

change will come one day, some day... soon... (hunchback of notre dame)

11:11 AM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

The last stroke of midnight dies.

...And I know someday I'm going to get over it.

Some day I'm going to be numb to this.

To everything.

But the key words are some day.

I can't tell when exactly that some day will be.

I really don't.

For all I know, I might just spend a large part of my life moping over it.

I don't want to spend any longer thinking about it.

I don't want to waste any more of my life committing to this.

I want to get over this pathetic state of mind I have right now.

I tell myself I have gotten over it. But then when I see it again.

Again.

That pang of... I don't know what.

Emptiness? Disappointment? Regret?

I hate you for making me feel this way.

It's not exactly your fault.

But I hate you all the same.

I hate this... this commitment which has caused me to feel so much. So much feelings which I could have lived happily without.

I hate you. I hate it.

2:00 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

I drift in between moods of depression, normal-ness and highness these a days.

I can't stop crying.

At moments I feel I have already gotten over it.

Then I suddenly start crying. For no apparent reason.

The tears come so quickly.

And so strangely.

I'm trying to stop it.

Whenever someone talks about it, I feel a pang.

I don't begrudge them anything.

It's just the feeling that -- that I was never good enough.

That I wanted it so bad, but I just wasn't good enough.


The last stroke of midnight dies. (Yeats)

7:52 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

I need to get over this, and get over this fast.

I don't know who I'm kidding.

Probably myself.

I hate feeling this way.

I need to get over this. Now.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

This may sound over- exaggerated (which is double, since exaggeration is already over-rated)-- but. But.

Still.

I get this weird feeling in my stomach every time I go there. Every time I see them.

And this needs to stop.

And I know I just can't help but think : WHY.

I feel hypocritical.

I feel.

Disappointed.

I feel like punching someone.

I feel like cutting off any, any connections I might have to that. That which caused me so much... anguish?

I don't know what to feel.

I don't want to feel.

9:14 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

I didn't know what to expect.

But I don't know what I expected.

I don't know why I let myself expect anything.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Everything is just a maelstrom of very confusing emotions right now.

I don't know.

I think I expected it.

But on the other hand, my brain was hoping for a miracle.

But the fact is, miracles don't exist.

Why can I not get that fact pounded into my brain?

When will I learn to stop letting myself believe? Stop letting myself expect?

I thought it was a chance to prove that I could do something.

But I was wrong again.

And in the end, it's all tears and disappointment, bitterness and fury.

I didn't know how to react.

I didn't know how I should react.

It's difficult to explain, but-- I was expecting it, and yet hoping for a miracle. But... it's strange to expect something yet not know how to react when the thing actually happens.

I suppose I was hoping, praying that the thing would never happen. (Which is just weird because god doesn't exist. But then again every atheist believes in god, in some way)

I don't want to be emo and bitter.

But when I think about it...

Crying is for failures, and I'm a failure.

8:00 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆