I know I said I have I've gotten over it.

But I think some part of me will never get over it.

I don't know why but "When there was me and you" suddenly popped into my head and decided to stay.



It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there

Why did I let myself believe
That miracles could happen?
'Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

...

But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
...

...
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes upon a star
They don't come true

...


I left out the parts which didn't really apply (this is some mushy love song after all) -- they are denoted by ellipses.

Anyway. I thought it was really how I felt. Dramatic, and cliche, but true.

And I don't know how to face you anymore anyway. Not without having to fake everything I say or do.

And I'm tired of having to pretend I'm happy!

3:00 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

I know I said I wouldn't come back... But I was just reading old posts way back from 2008 Sec 1...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Today was first footdrill session for Sec 1s. Thank goodness the seniors didn't have to stay back. I would have been mortified :P To sum it all up, it was tiring. Sigh.

Anyway, we were all freaked out. I think the arm lock and everything wasn't so bad, but then the point the toes, ninety degrees thing was difficult!!! Ahh. Gloria kept telling me not to horsekick. AHHH. Why can't I do it right? My head is already bursting with information and we only learn a BIT! OMG. I am so dead.

I wish I could do better :P

Hazel

Makes me want to cry.
How could I have been so naive then?

Did I know at that point what would happen in 2010? Did I know I would be disappointed?

"I wish I could do better :P"

how true the phrase is, and how many times it reverberated in my head just weeks ago.

9:46 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

abandoning blog :D it holds too many unhappy memories for me. memories i want to forget as soon as possible.

9:21 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

HBL (home Based Learning) was a disaster.

I think my brain has exploded.

Two hours worth of trying to get into Moodle, guessing enrolment keys, and trying to open the .flv files.

Huh.

And I've been so busy that I'm totally over it now.

I still feel sad occasionally. But I'm over it.

Someday came pretty soon, huh? XD

4:58 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

Ok I think I'm over it.

At least, 95% over it.

That counts for something, doesn't it?

I guess the numbness has set in after all. After the disappointment and bitterness.

I know some day I'm going to get over it 100%.

change will come one day, some day... soon... (hunchback of notre dame)

11:11 AM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

The last stroke of midnight dies.

...And I know someday I'm going to get over it.

Some day I'm going to be numb to this.

To everything.

But the key words are some day.

I can't tell when exactly that some day will be.

I really don't.

For all I know, I might just spend a large part of my life moping over it.

I don't want to spend any longer thinking about it.

I don't want to waste any more of my life committing to this.

I want to get over this pathetic state of mind I have right now.

I tell myself I have gotten over it. But then when I see it again.

Again.

That pang of... I don't know what.

Emptiness? Disappointment? Regret?

I hate you for making me feel this way.

It's not exactly your fault.

But I hate you all the same.

I hate this... this commitment which has caused me to feel so much. So much feelings which I could have lived happily without.

I hate you. I hate it.

2:00 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆

I drift in between moods of depression, normal-ness and highness these a days.

I can't stop crying.

At moments I feel I have already gotten over it.

Then I suddenly start crying. For no apparent reason.

The tears come so quickly.

And so strangely.

I'm trying to stop it.

Whenever someone talks about it, I feel a pang.

I don't begrudge them anything.

It's just the feeling that -- that I was never good enough.

That I wanted it so bad, but I just wasn't good enough.


The last stroke of midnight dies. (Yeats)

7:52 PM
☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆♥══♥☆★ hazel ★☆